By Victoria Kindle Hodson
Hot buttons are emotional triggers in us that are set and ready to go off without warning. It might be a word, a glance or a simple gesture that sets off the emotional fireworks. Whatever it is, when the show is over, everyone involved is often left with regrets and hurt feelings asking themselves, Where did that come from?
It’s not a matter of whether we have hot buttons or not; everyone does. It’s a matter of finding out what they are and what triggers them. Although we each have different specifics for what triggers them, all hot buttons have one thing in common; they are fueled by the belief that other people cause our emotional reactions. In actual fact though, what other people do or say is only a trigger for our emotions. The real cause of our emotional fireworks is what we tell ourselves about what the other person is doing.
Say, for example, Dad is teaching his 9-year old son Danny a multiplication lesson and Danny can’t remember several of his times tables. Dad has gone over and over them with Danny, and he still can’t remember them. Without warning Dad erupts with the force of a volcano, calling Danny lazy and stupid and taking away computer privileges until he knows his tables. Danny gets upset, starts to cry and runs to his room.
Danny may be distracted, confused, bored, tired or any number of things, but he is not causing his father’s upset. Dad is telling himself very upsetting things that are stirring up his anxiety and anger: This kid is never going to get anywhere if he can’t learn his times tables! He can’t pay attention! Maybe he has a learning disability! This is the last straw! I’m done! I’m going to get tough now! and on and on. These persistent, irrational thoughts whip up more and more fear and anger in Dad until he blows up.
Dad doesn’t realize it, however, when Danny feels the ground shake with his dad’s criticism, blame, negative judgments, labels, and threats, Danny doesn’t feel emotionally safe and can’t learn from his dad. The technical name for what is happening to Danny, according to Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence, is an “emotional hijacking”. As automatically as hearts beat and eyes blink, when Danny feels unsafe, stress hormones surge through his body, and he automatically scrambles for a way to protect himself; in this case, by running to his room. At another time Danny might argue and fight back or simply freeze in his tracks. These are all common defenses, and in any of these mentally down-shifted states Danny can’t think clearly or read, write, or memorize information efficiently. In effect, the learning zones of his brain are temporarily out of order.
Rather than continuing a cycle of emotional outbursts that shut down his son’s ability to retain information, Dad could recognize his hot buttons, learn to D.E.F.U.S.E. them, and help Danny keep the learning zones of his brain open and in business.
6 Tips to D.E.F.U.S.E. Hot Buttons
D – DETECT that a hot button is about to be pushed or has been pushed. As soon as you consciously detect that a hot button has been pushed, you begin to take control of your emotions and actions. Your body is giving you clues. Early warning signs are clammy hands, increased heart rate, and feeling flushed or warmer than usual. You know a hot button has been pushed when you hear yourself using a louder voice than usual, you feel the urge to strike out, or leave the room in anger.
E – EXAMINE your thoughts. Tune into your thinking and hear the real cause of your Upset — what you’re telling yourself about what you or the other person should or shouldn’t be doing?
F –FOCUS on shifting to calm alert. Take some deep breaths. Do something that you know has a calming effect on you: Go for a quick walk or a run around the block, put on music you like or read something inspiring.
U –UNCOVER what you need at the moment: Relief, rest, assurance, understanding, respect, help, love, kindness, etc. Your needs are more important than anything you are thinking about others. (For a list of needs go to http://thenofaultzone.com/nfz-needs.pdf) Dad, in the story above, needed clarity about Danny’s ability to learn, relief from turmoil, renewed connection with his son, help and support for a different way of doing things. He also needed empathy and understanding for what he was going through.
S – SIT for a few moments reflecting on the importance of your needs rather than what you think other people should or shouldn’t be doing.
E – EXPLORE possible actions you can take to meet your needs and take action to meet them. Some of the actions that Dad in the story above could take are: Consult with an educational counselor for clarity about Danny’s ability to learn. Talk with Danny about wanting to try a different approach, and find out whether Danny has ideas about how to make the learning more fun and easier to remember. Dad might also talk with another adult to get the empathy and understanding he needs.
When you put your attention on YOUR thoughts, needs and possible actions you can take, rather than on what the other person is doing wrong, you not only DEFUSE your hot buttons, you break old patterns, find new solutions for persistent problems and improve relationships. It’s a win-win for everyone!
©2023, by Victoria Kindle Hodson. All rights reserved.
