By Victoria Kindle Hodson
No matter how old you are, giving is a fundamental human need, and perhaps the source of the greatest possible joy.
Parents are well-practiced givers and generously provide for the survival and emotional needs of their families. As best we can we give our children a warm, dry place to live; nourishing food and clean clothes; as well as a web of caregivers and teachers to meet their needs for safety, belonging, growth and learning, and on and on. It is just what Moms and Dads and Grandmas and Grandpas and so many others do for kids.
At the same time children are receiving this bounty from others, they have an enormous need to be contributors to the wellbeing of others. In fact, it is hardwired into each of us to be part of heartfelt, mutually beneficial exchange network. This capacity for giving and receiving is at the foundation of what it means to be human. Who knew that giving is actually in our DNA?
However, just because we have the need to be contributors to the wellbeing of others doesn’t mean that we are born knowing how to do that. Helping young people become givers, therefore, is a fundamental parenting role.
Recognize the Ways Children Can Be Givers
To inspire and develop a capacity for giving in our children means recognizing new ways they actively contribute to the stream of giving. Telling kids chores that need to be done by when doesn’t inspire contributing—nor do threats, punishments or rewards. Giving comes naturally to human beings when it isn’t forced. Not that there won’t be agreements about who does chores and when, but that will be a very different conversation if you first recognize and receive simpler, more natural ways that your children can and do give to you.
Simple acts of heartfelt giving are continually taking place in family life. Start to notice them. Your 8-year flashes you a big smile every morning and gives you a kiss every night before going to bed. As you walk together to the corner store your 6-year old reaches to hold your hand. Your 13-year wants to make cookies for dinner tomorrow night. Today at pre-school your 4-year old drew you a special picture just for you. Your 10-year old holds open the door open for you when you go in the grocery store.
To your children the world is a giant laboratory, and they are very serious explorers of it. They continually invite us to join them. Accept their invitation and cross into their world. See through their eyes. Hear through their ears. They will show you how to have more fun, more of the time. What an amazing gift that could be!
Your kids can give you the gift of remembering the younger you—how painful and awkward you often felt in social situations, how bored you were by homework and how excited and scared you were when you went on your first date. These are all great gifts from your children that create more harmony, understanding and connection.
Make a list of some of the gifts your children give freely:
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Receive Your Child’s Gifts
Willingness to go beyond giving to receiving from your children is an additional gift parents have to give; it may be one of the most valuable gifts of all that you have to give. Heartfelt acknowledgement and genuine appreciation generates a flow of goodwill between giver and receiver and primes the pump for more giving. When you acknowledge the gifts your children give freely, they grow up seeing themselves as powerful givers. And, feeling satisfied and content that their gifts have been received, they are more likely to recognize and appreciate the steady stream of gifts you give them. Sad to say, many children do not have their gifts recognized and received, and their discouragement and loss of desire to give is evident in innumerable ways.
To let your children know that you receive their gifts:
1) share how you feel about receiving what is being offered and 2) share what need of yours was met.
When you gave me that big smile this morning as you went out the door to school, I felt very happy and close to you. Thank you.
I love it when you want to hold my hand when we are walking. It means a lot to me to have your affection. Thank you.
I appreciate it when you help your little sister put away her toys. It warms my heart to see you understanding what others need. Thank you.
I appreciate it when you share your concerns about the prom with me. I feel happy knowing that you want to talk with me about things that are important to you. Thank you for including me.
I’m really grateful that you share with me how painful it is for you to do your homework. If you weren’t in my life I think I would forget what it was like to be young and to have all that amazing desire for fun and friends. I was the same way. Thank you for the reminder.
From years and years of working with parents, I am confident that when you make the switch to noticing and thanking your children for simple, daily, spontaneous gifts they will look for more ways to give to you, AND they are likely to be saying Thank You more often for more of the things you are doing for them.
©2025 Victoria Kindle Hodson. All rights reserved
